From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to
imitate "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey, from Saturday
Night Live. Winning entrants are at the end.

Honorable Mentions:

• My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told
  him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our
  bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of
  us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset
  him.
  
• It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the President's
  birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we
  would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on
  July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
  
• Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
  letting just any old yokel vote.
  
• Home is where the house is.
  
• Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
  teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set
  aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll
  have a couple of days saved up.
  
• It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
  accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone
  needed it, the blood would be right there.
  
• Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
  accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
  
• The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same
  ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.
  
• For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
  cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon was really a
  big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you
  leave it out.
  
• Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then,
  imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five
  more than the biggest number you could home up with!
  
• I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of
  Halloween.
  
• The only stupid question is the one that is never asked,
  except maybe, "Don't you think it is about time you audited
  my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning
  when, in fact, I was speeding?"
  
• Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man
  who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he
  really needed them, right?
  
• When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But
  he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
  
• I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
  is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on,
  who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
  
• I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a
  singer as some people think he should be. Then, I
  remember it's because he sucks.
  
• Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
  think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
  
• If you really want to impress people with your computer
  literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything
  you say, dot com.
  
• I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've
  found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I
  already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't
  have a sense of humor.

THIRD RUNNER UP

• I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
  imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the
  only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the
  lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
  sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire
  and everyone died.

SECOND RUNNER UP

• I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."
  Unless it was just a lawn mower.

FIRST RUNNER UP

• I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to
  myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
  Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates
  about the national debate over one's right to die and
  wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato
  that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia,
  and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that
  we have found many more than four basic elements and I
  show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches
  and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest
  of the night lighting farts.

WINNER

• If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and
  visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and
  quiet it would be until the looting started.